No conditions

I live with the belief that God loves all of us equally.
I live with the belief that we all need God equally.


Here's one reason why.


I'm reading this book called the Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. I am truly impressed with how his total honesty with himself and the deepest thoughts of his heart, have allowed him to highlight things about the human condition that we all suffer from. That we all have in common.


One such thing...the need to please. I think we all develop our identity in some form, based on the human need to please. Please our parents, teachers, friends, co-workers, fans, children, wife, husband, lovers...every relationship that exist functions in some way or another to tell us who we are, and what we are worth. We all want to feel good about ourselves, so we want to please people we are in relationship to; so they can affirm that we are worth something.


This isn't really a bad thing in itself; it's needed to help us learn what hurts and helps other people. It helps us know how to act in society. It allows us to learn how to get along with others, and it helps us to figure out who we are. But for all the good things it offers, I think there is also a dark side. No, I am not suggesting we stop caring what people think, or trying to please them (I am not looking for an excuse to be mean to my wife)! What I think we need to consider is what happens to us when we can't please everyone. Further more what happens when we try our best, and still those closest to us are not pleased...when we fail despite our best efforts to find our sense of worth in those whom we seek it from.


This human nature of wanting to please people, and basing our identities on how pleased people are about us and what we do, would not be nearly so bad if humans weren't so careless, hurtful and flawed. The fact of the matter is, there are many children and adults in this world who have been mistreated and lied to from those who they were suppose to learn their identity from. For many of us out there, the people we have been trying to please, have failed us.


Recently I have come across a lot of stories from people about how their parents, family or close friends told them things that have traumatized and hurt them for years. There were things as innocent as family members saying 'if you don't get at least 75% on the exam, I'll be upset" to things as tragic as "it was your fault that he did that to you, you should have stopped him."


What I want you to recognize, is that even if it was not intended, the message in both examples and every message like it in between is this "you are worth it if, you are good if, you are (fill in the blank)...IF..."

Our identity, our worth is conditional on a enormous list of ifs...


Resentment is the better fruit of the need to please.


We all need and want to please...but when we get it we are anxious about losing it, when we don't get it we struggle to find it, when we try for it but still don't get it we are angry and resentful. This is the dilemma: pleasing people can be a good thing, but people make mistakes and fail us, which makes needing to please people a damaging thing.


If a child is told their whole life by everyone they know that they are worthless...from what I understand the world offers three solutions.


1) Stop caring what people think (loss of identity, sociopathic)
2) Only care what certain people think (living with walls and trust issues)
3) Only care what I think (based on abilities, things, 'what I have'...also will fail and change)


I know there are more complex arguments and therapies and techniques that could be employed...but I am simplifying to make an argument.


I think the only real solution to this situation -for the above mentioned child especially, and for all of us ultimately-is to find a source of unconditional love. A love with no 'ifs', that will change the amount that you are loved. Unconditional love says learn who you are, you are free to make choices and you will be loved no matter what. Unconditional love does not mean nothing hurts, or can damage the relationship, or that is has no desire for you to make the right choices, but it does say you are always wanted, and you can always come home. It is the message of the Prodigal Son.


I think the closest thing to this in this world is the mothers love for her child...but I have one of the best mom's in the world and I can honestly tell you that there are conditions on even her love. There is only one place we can get it, and some of us don't really believe in it, because we have never seen or experienced it.


Message of the world simplified:
I love you if...


Message of God simplified: I love you.


No man is an island. Remember that saying? It is true. To be human, is to be in relationship. We all need it, or we lose the ability to be human.

We think we need to earn forgiveness...
We think we need to perform/work for repentance...
Because the world tells us we have to earn everything...
We don't believe anyone would offer unconditional love...
We don't believe God would offer unconditional love...I think thats why the religions of the world are so enthralled with rituals and sacrifices...the lie that salvation, worth, meaning and purpose requires work and earning has been believed. So the cycle of trying and failing continues...


Trying to be who we think God wants us to be (instead of believing him when he says who we are), we fail, we become resentful, we give up, or some other form of coping.


But there is a reason to believe in unconditional love.


I need to stop writing right now. I write as a way of talking to God, of seeing my own thoughts. And I'm struggling and frustrated right now, because what I'm trying to say doesn't seem to make sense as I type it. But it is making sense in my mind and heart. So I'm going to stop and come back again later -when I'm writing based on my identity in God...and not to please anyone else to figure out who I am.


Because I already know who I am.