Lately, I feel at war with my inner thoughts very often. In my mind a battle is raging to decide the direction that I will go. I am pulled in two directions. I feel like I am dangerously dangling high in the air, pulled taut by two opposing forces. I feel like my Spirit has been awakened, and it is eager to make up ground where my untamed feelings have long reigned.
And so there it is, the source of my tension. The source of my uneasiness. The fight between my Spirit and my 'untamed' feelings.
Let us define the terms in my story.
When it comes to deciding how to live life, 'untamed' feelings, are what we default to. They are close cousins of instinct and what I would guess is part of our animal nature. They decide for us in the heat of the moment, they give us justification for our most basic desires and needs. They are hit or miss, untamed, reckless and often deceiving.
Our Spirit on the other hand, is the friend we don't always want, but the one we always need. It's probably the source of what we call a 'conscience' and it is likely the guide of the transcendent moral code that we hold all humans accountable towards. It is known for coining the golden rule 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' throughout the history of humanity.
Unlike our 'untamed' feelings, the Spirit (except in some special or dire circumstances) must be listened to carefully and thoughtfully reflected upon. Whereas 'untamed' feelings are like I said the default, constantly yelling and seeking undue attention. To solidify the illustration, lets use a really overt example of when our Spirit and 'untamed' feelings are at war.
The following illustration is from the vantage point of a man, but hopefully is easy enough for anyone to fill in their own life examples as a guide...
You have a beautiful wife/girlfriend at home who is studying hard for final exams, you on the other hand are at the park with the boys, throwing some football. A very attractive girl walks by... wearing something your mother would not approve of. Your 'untamed feelings' do what they always do, they urge you to satisfy whatever it is your animal self wants. It says to you, "Look, fantasize, stare, flex, shout, growl, comment, say something clever, crave, take, grab, satisfy... what's the harm? As long as you don't break any laws, or actually 'do something' physically, then no one is harmed." It's not cheating or wrong to 'think' in your head you rationalize. Everyone else is doing it, it's natural, it's normal, no harm, don't be so conservative and religious. On and on your untamed feelings can find any way at all to justify the behavior the instinct. Your Spirit, if a squeak is even allowed to enter your mind, is quickly covered with an avalanche of rationalizations, justifications and qualifications. "She wanted to be looked at, look at what she's wearing!" "Its a natural urge, no point fighting it." "It's not as if I'm taking here home, so it's okay it's not cheating and it's not hurting anyone."
It is important to recognize is that the Spirit takes discipline, time and effort to hear. It's always trying to speak, but often we choose to heed the voice of our 'untamed' feelings instead. Think of any human voice you know well (the voice of your mother or brother etc.), you can pick it out of a crowd of hundreds easily because you are trained to hear it, to listen for it. Same thing with the voices of our Spirit and 'untamed' feelings. You can train one or the other to be stronger, to be heard more easily over the other. The tension I was talking about refers to times when those two forces are at similar strength and fighting for your will. Another important thing to note in my story, is that what our individual Spirits are trying to speak to us as individuals, is all from one source. It is not subjective or individual, it is not for us to make up on our own, it is what it is. It is Truth.
So let us consider what the Spirit of our young man in the previous example might say, and ponder if it is similar to what your Spirit might say.
You have a beautiful wife/girlfriend at home who is studying hard for final exams, you on the other hand are at the park with the boys, throwing some football. A very attractive girl walks by... wearing something your mother would not approve of. "Yes, she is very attractive, she is beautiful...but she is so much more then that. She is someones daughter and has a Spirit too, she is not an object, she is not just her shell, she is a person." "Do you know? When you dwell on the physical beauty of other women, you lose sensitivity and awareness of the endless depth of beauty of the one you have already chosen. By always feeding your animal urge to look, and see younger and more beautiful women, you create a habit, an addiction that soon becomes insatiable. You forfeit understanding and experience of deeper love for an endless stream of hollow images and fantasy. You dishonor the one you chose by. You do not act in a way that speaks to her 'you are my chosen one, you are beautiful to me, you are special.' Romance is easy at first, but true love requires effort, sacrifice and choice. Will you do that for her? If you believed sacrificing your animal urges and instincts would make her feel more loved and beautiful would you? If you knew it would change your heart and make you love her in a deeper way would you? She has already given you the love and beauty of her youth, didn't you promise her in those days that you would love her evermore? Will you keep your promise?" When she is busy, sick, wounded, hurt, selfish, distracted and unable to give you everything you need and want now...will you find substitutes for all those things she used to give you? Or will you love her? Give her room to heal and grow. Will you do unto her, what you would want her to do unto you?
The source of the Spirit in my story, some may theorize comes from nature, common sense or just some sort of evolution of tradition and culture. I see that all of those are influences, but definitely not the source. Think of this... Nature we can see as beautiful in certain context, sun setting behind mountains, moonlit ocean etc. But Nature in it's truest form, is actually very cold and unmerciful. The lion eats the deer, the volcano erupts and burns the forest, the preying mantis eats her own mate. Nature begets feelings and instinct. Only God begets the Spirit. Only God can initiate the process of Love begetting love. Here is the beautiful thing about God and life. Although the path is difficult at times, when your feelings begin to listen to and parallel your Spirit, you really begin to live. You live in the light, in the right and in the might :) You are no longer a slave of untamed feelings and emotions.
More needs to be said of all of this. But it's a start.
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